Unrequited Love

Someone once said that everything – both good and bad – stems from love. Love of family, love of nature, love of art, love of money, love of power...

I once thought that love was only a beautiful thing, until I saw the kind of pain and disaster that it brings. The perfect love that I learned about in church and read in the Bible is apparently not so pretty. It is gruesome. Love and suffering seem to form a bond so strong it is almost unbreakable. I don't believe that's how love was meant to be in the beginning. When true love got bundled with greed, it became selfish love. A love meant to make one feel good, even when it hurt others.

Anyway, now to the main part of my story. I was today years old when I came across the term 'unrequited love'. Interestingly, I learnt it from one of my favourite K-dramas. There was one character who loved the protagonist deeply for many years and dreamt that one day, he would feel the same way. Eventually, she met the protagonist's real lover and had to face the fact that he loved someone else. I felt for her because I could only imagine how helpless and embarrassed she would have been in that moment. This is, obviously, not a rare occurrence. It happens too often in all kinds of relationships.

You know when people say comments like, 'I'm crazy for you', 'I am losing my mind', 'I cannot imagine a life without you', I often assume they're an exaggeration. Yet, with unrequited love, it could not be any more accurate. Your heart has been tricked into believing that you really need them to survive. This is where love becomes like poison that kills your self-confidence, dignity and sometimes, sanity.

I remember frequenting a mall back in Atlanta and always coming across this one man who used to draw the same image every single time. It was of a woman. I never really approached him, but I was always curious to know who that woman was and what she meant to him. Imagining that this image in his mind might have been all he had left of her was heartbreaking to see.

This example could be an extreme version of unrequited love. In any case, the real question is: how can one recover from or avoid falling into such a quagmire? There can be signs that a relationship is one-sided, like when you are always the one making an effort to build a real connection or do things together. However, there are times when the other party is simply playing the character in your fantasy and then one day, reveals the cold truth.

I've had people in my life who made me believe we were super close friends, just for them to wake up one morning and leave me a goodbye letter when they felt burdened. It took me years to recover from such occurrences and open my heart to new friendships. There was no formula to getting back to my normal self. I spent time alone and learnt to be happy amidst all the motions. Dancing in the flames – until you get used to the heat and no longer get burnt. That's the perfect way to put it.

All of this to say, I now take a different approach to my relationships. First, I choose to love without any strings attached. I don't demand that you love me because I love you but I can still decide how much of myself I give you.

I am also learning the principle of 'love as though you have never been hurt'. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not ignoring the fact that I have been hurt in the past, but I no longer let it dictate my decisions. I simply choose the way I wish to share that love with others.

The most important thing to remember is that it's okay to love without being loved back in equal measure - as long as you know how to love yourself fully first. Self-love is one of the most difficult yet most rewarding things to cultivate, and I think everyone needs it to thrive in the crazy world we live in.