The In-between

The moment I felt ready, another reason to doubt flew in. I wasn't sure how long the excitement would last, but somehow fear seemed to creep in and halt the crescendo. Will there ever be a point in life when I can be happy without the thief of joy snatching it away from me?

Happiness is the choice I made and the path I chose—or at least so I thought. Perhaps it was never meant to be a feeling, but rather a state of contentment in both good times and bad. Or maybe it is a sense of gratitude for the good things, even in the presence of the bad.

The inevitable state of change that exists in nature itself—from gas to liquid to solid—is something that still feels harsh to me. How is it that these particles adapt to change so effortlessly? If they had emotions like human beings, I wonder how they would feel right before their state changed. They have to undergo intense heating or cooling and transform into something entirely different. They can no longer do what they once did. They would have to learn to fulfil new roles immediately. Would they feel a loss of identity? Yet that is how the world sustains itself—through continuous change, without rest.

I have learned to embrace change over the years, but it is the in-between that always makes me uncomfortable. It is the ugly stage where the metamorphosis is happening, where both your inner and outer components are changing, and there is nothing you can do but endure it. I wish I were as yielding as nature, trusting the process even when I am uncertain. Prayer helps me face it with greater courage, but I still must walk through the flames.

Anyway, I felt compelled to write this because I am certain it is a struggle many can relate to. The bottom line is that each day I face a new change that catches me off guard, I smile and cry at the same time, knowing that my fears will always challenge me. Yet I make up my mind to keep going. The unpredictability of life will no longer cripple me or stop me from taking steps forward. In joy and in sorrow, I will continue, knowing that my heart of endurance is growing stronger. The reward? It sure got to be worth it!