The Masks We Wear: Unveiling Our True Selves

“I suggest you try looking through my pair of lenses before constructing a whole narrative about me. You are entitled to have your personal opinion, but again, that can be influenced by biases and preconceptions. My pair of lenses is not perfect because they are made by human hands, yet again, they bear the truths that your eyes may not decipher. So please, try them on. They might bring more clarity to the blurry image you have of me in your mind.” This was a caption for an Instagram post I made on June 16, 2018, as part of my modeling project called ‘Amour de Soi’, which is French for ‘self-love.’ It was my way of expressing the daily concerns of self-identity that boggled my mind.

It was at the close of high school that it finally hit me: I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t want to admit it, but every night I went to bed, I felt this wave of sadness and despair that didn’t make sense to me. If you asked any of my classmates, they would tell you that I was an A-star girl who always seemed to get through school effortlessly. I always walked down the school alleys wearing a bright smile and greeting everyone who passed by. One time, a friend asked me, ‘How are you always so jolly? You seem to manage everything so well!’ I was shocked by her comment because internally, it was a whole different story. In fact, I don’t think I ever cried in public while on campus—maybe once or twice.

Long story short, I knew what others thought of me: smart, bright, goal-oriented, put together… but it didn’t feel like me. Not that I didn’t have these qualities, but I believed that was an incomplete version of myself. Outside of the basic values that were inculcated in me since my childhood, I had spent most of my life ‘perfecting’ my personality, thinking that it was all that defined me. I was wrong. My personality was just one part of me that was constantly changing as I moved to different places and met different people. There was so much more that I hadn’t taken time to discover within me—parts of me that existed but remained dormant underneath the masked body.

Once I began college, everything was new: country, school, friends, and life. The battle of self-identity became more challenging. I was in a school full of focused, goal-oriented A-stars who seemed to have it all figured out. Taking two majors was hard enough, but let’s add trying to blend in when you still haven’t fully found yourself. It was exhausting. As days went by, I realized the best way to deal with this crisis was to pull myself away slowly into solitude. I found moments to reflect and think about why I was unhappy and prayed for God’s wisdom to discover my true identity.

These efforts led me to the realization that the first step I had to take was to remove the masks I had become accustomed to. Removing the masks meant no longer seeing myself only based on what others told me or how I perceived I should be, but simply recognizing that my life is a gift that should be celebrated—with or without my academics, career, financial standing, friends and family, social status, and so on. Unmasking myself felt like letting go of a huge load off my shoulders. The second step was to seek purpose. I knew that the reason I felt dissatisfied was that I was working hard for things that would bring joy for a moment and quickly pass away. I had this deep desire to find fulfillment by understanding my true purpose. Knowing that my purpose lies in the hands of the Creator, I actively prayed and sought God’s wisdom and guidance to be led to that answer. While pursuing purpose, I examined my past and tried to find my high and low points to understand how they molded me and the lessons I learned from them. Seeing my past from a renewed perspective helped me see the growth I had experienced through each moment of my life. The changes in environment and people were revealing true parts of me that I tried to hide out of shame and fear.

This journey has taught me that each day is an opportunity to have a clearer vision of who I am. As God guides my steps and as I learn from every experience life brings, I am positive that the true me will blossom. There will be no regrets.